When seeking information about senior life planning, the vast majority provide this information from the adult child’s perspective, especially around how to start the conversation. There is limited material about this from the perspective of the older adult.
Not long ago, an older woman approached me, who explained that she had always looked out for other people’s needs, especially concerning her family and neighbors who might need support. She, however, was now at a point in her life when she was facing being the one needing support. Her question was: “How do I transition from being the carer to feeling comfortable receiving and asking for help?” This is a very poignant question that many of us probably reflect on as we face late adulthood.
In this article, I aim to give you a toolbox for communicating with your family about your needs and wishes. The crux of this is to become a stronger advocate for yourself. As an eldercare consultant, my goal is to help the individual become educated about what they need and what resources are available, and then how to communicate this to their family. However, this can be challenging despite knowing that you should reach out to family. There are many reasons for this, which I will also address in this article.
Become More Comfortable Accepting or Reaching Out for Help
We live in a society where independence is celebrated while the opposite is seen as a sign of weakness. Instead, what if we were to applaud interdependence? Also, what if we acknowledge that accepting care is an act of compassion to yourself and others? Indeed, Rockman and Evans (2019) address this very issue. This supports the idea that you can provide tremendous relief to your family if you let them understand your wishes and needs. Ultimately, the main issue for many is that “We want to be cared about but fear being cared for” (Berman, 2016). However, what if we can enter this phase with greater self-advocacy? If so, how do we become better self-advocates?
The first step in becoming a stronger self-advocate regarding your long-term care plans is carefully evaluating your situation. This will give you a sense of whether you need to contact others for support. Often, I find people only speak up once they start to worry about their ability to maintain their daily routine and residence. Examples include challenges with paying bills and managing finances, memory, driving, home upkeep, and growing concerns about health and mobility. Determining which areas you struggle with will require being honest with yourself.
I have found that even though people may acknowledge to themselves that they should reach out for support, they hesitate. What might be preventing people from speaking up? The reasons can be extremely personal and complex. The fear of losing independence and control is a common barrier. Also, there is concern about being forced to leave your home before you are ready and willing. For some, a lack of trust and confidence in others can certainly also be a major barrier. Many people have expressed reasons related to their children, such as they are too busy or do not want to worry about them, and for some, it’s that the children can’t accept the inevitable. While the reasons make sense emotionally, ask yourself what happens if you have no plan. And if you do, how will your loved ones know what to do if you haven’t communicated your wishes?
Educate Yourself on Available Resources
What might help overcome these barriers preventing you from reaching out to family and friends is to first do your homework regarding what resources and services are available in the community. In that way, you may feel a greater sense of control and ultimately be better able to advocate for yourself. The main areas where older adults often need assistance include maintaining the home or possibly moving, estate planning, paying bills and finances, transportation, and oversight of their overall health.
An excellent place to go for information about resources and services for older adults is the Aging Network. This network exists in all states and can be accessed through various locations, from the smaller local Senior Center or Council on Aging to larger entities such as an Area Agency on Aging or Aging Services Access Point. The larger the entity, the greater the array of services. One important caveat about the Aging Network is that the wait times for services can be very long, so many people turn to private-pay agencies through which an aide can be made available much faster.
Once you feel you have a sense of the services available to help support you in your home, you are ready to reach out to family and friends for a conversation.
Who is the Best Person to Speak With
Some important things to consider about this conversation include who is the best ‘recipient’, ensuring a conducive environment, and how to convey your message. Regarding the best recipient, I mean, who might be the best person to start the conversation with? Is it all your children at the same time? Or might it be just one of them? (Sometimes, starting off with the child you find you can communicate most easily or openly with might be easier.) Ultimately, it is critical that if there are multiple children, you at some point have the conversation with all the children present simultaneously, as they all must hear the same message. (Otherwise, this can lead to bickering among the children as one child will say that you said one thing, and another child will say you said something else.)
If you do not have children, or they live far away in another state, you will need to turn to others. This can include extended family (such as nieces or nephews), your own siblings, or a close friend or neighbor. Now that so many families often live far apart (in different states), more and more people are starting to rely on friends and neighbors for their support network. Some people may also reach out to professionals in the eldercare field, such as eldercare consultants. The main thing is to reach out to others for support as you start to think through your long-term care plans.
Choose the Best Environment
A conducive environment to start this conversation implies that it should be at a time when there are no distractions and that those involved understand the point of the meeting. Furthermore, think about when you feel at your strongest and most alert and, if relevant, when you have minimal pain. For example, some may find that their pain symptoms increase during the day, so a morning meeting would be optimal. Also, how do you convey your message? It is important to reflect on whether the recipient is someone you can be direct with or should take a more indirect approach. For example, if you have a more direct communication style with someone, you might say, “I think it is time for me to think about where to move as I feel I am having an increasingly hard time managing my home.” This same message, but in an indirect way, could be, “One of my friends is starting to look at downsizing as she wants to make things more manageable.” Whether to be direct or indirect requires you to think about how the person best handles difficult topics.
What I have found helpful for families when they are working on a future care plan is to start thinking about who is good at what and allocate responsibilities according to personal strengths. Some are good at the more practical stuff, such as making house repairs, paying bills, and searching for information on the internet, while others may be best suited to providing more emotional support and compassion. This requires some introspection and sometimes creativity.
Finally, I want to end this article by acknowledging that communicating your needs and wishes for long-term care can be challenging, especially if you are faced with family members who may not be unified in terms of what they think is best for you. This is why it can be so helpful if you do some of your own homework about the services available to you beforehand so that you are in a better position to advocate clearly what you want and need.